


"but loving him was red"

by sparks_fly



Series: [ for you're the start and end of me | park & park ] [9]
Category: Wanna One (Band)
Genre: M/M, jihoon is so freaking chill, there's not much conflict but woojin, very light angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-02
Updated: 2018-05-02
Packaged: 2019-05-01 04:25:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,152
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14512503
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sparks_fly/pseuds/sparks_fly
Summary: When Park Woojin is painted with different colors.





	"but loving him was red"

**Author's Note:**

> in memory of woojin's pterodactyl screams during their zip line thingy in battle trip and his fear of heights 
> 
>  
> 
> dear self, why do you keep writing too? shut up and go back to your cave.

 

 

_Regretting him was like wishing you never found out that love could be that strong_

 

 

It's a quarter to three when the doors of the Holy Name Cathedral opens.

 

Jihoon's head lifts up, fists clenching the small Stephanotis bouquet of flowers on his hands and with a shaking heart, he enters the Cathedral. He hears the wedding march flowing smoothly in everyone's ears. He sees everyone's faces sigh in awe as he walks painfully slowly in the Cathedral.

 

Everything is in his favorite velvet and white colors mixed elegantly. The women are mostly wearing their velvet wine dresses and the men are wearing the Velvet Wine red tuxedo. Everything is ready and _this is it, Jihoon. This is it._

 

At the altar, there he stands in his Maroon wine burgundy three piece suit. Dashingly breathtaking as he smiles and waits for him at the end of the altar. He takes a deep breath. He's always taking his breath away just like the first time they met each other, _nothing has changed._

He is still the Park Woojin he's learned to love.

 

_Or is it?_

 

He halts on his place and stares at the man he's loved for the past five years. Is he still the same man he's loved all this time? Are they still the same person all through these years?

 

Woojin's face turns into a worry the moment he stops on his place and everyone's faces are encouraging to _go ahead, Jihoon, walk to him. You can do it, you can do this. You'll be both happy with each other._

 

“What are you doing, Hoon?” His brother who is walking him to the altar whispers.

 

His right hand, which was seconds ago is on his brother's, suddenly is not around him anymore. He looks straightly into Woojin's awaiting confused eyes and closes them with a deep sigh.

 

There are murmurs of _what's happening, what is he doing?_ around him --- them.

 

The tears slip from his eyes and when he opens them, he knows that Woojin's begging face will haunt him for the rest of his life. It's twisted with pain and confusion and betrayal and Jihoon cannot take it anymore.

 

It feels like there's a gun pressed on his forehead, ready to blow his mind out.

 

_I'm so sorry._

 

 

 

 

 

_Loving him is like driving a new Maserati down a dead-end street_

 

 

Park Jihoon seeks thrills and excitement in his life. He likes his adrenaline rushing in his body, he likes the mere thought of freely falling and flying in the sky. It gives him the idea of _still living_ \---- of being able to feel. He's tried numerous adventures in his life --- dangerous adventures that not anyone would have dared to do.

 

“I can do this! I can do this. I can do this!”

 

Jihoon looks at the guy muttering words of encouragement for himself. He smiles at his frightened state. _He's quite cute,_ he thinks. He keeps wandering around the tower here and there, still fearful for his life.

 

“You're next!” One of the guys tell him.

 

The face of the guy pales and he can't help but smirk. He watches as the two guys tuck the scaredy guy well for his bungee jumping experience. He looks like he's about to faint as they securely tuck him well.

 

Jihoon walks forward, nearer them when he hears one of the guys asks. “Why are you even doing this if it's scary for you?”

 

He looks at the guy offended. “I just --- need to face my fear.” He takes the deepest breath as if it's the last.

 

He nods at his answer. “Would you like to face your fear with me?” He interjects. He offers him with a warm smile as he contemplates.

 

“Please?” He pursues. The two guys are looking back and forth when the man nods back at him. “Great!” He excitedly says. “Jihoon .” He offers his hand to him.

 

The man takes and shakes it. “I'm Park Woojin.”

 

The two other guys takes and tucks him well beside Woojin. He doesn't look _that_ scared anymore. He looks down and shakes his head. The height is weak, at least for him.

 

“What's your biggest fear?” Jihoon asks him.

 

Woojin looks taken aback by the question as he faces him. “I'm scared of things that are outside of my control. I'm scared of falling and I'm scared of being left alone.”

 

“Then, let's face it.”

 

He's not sure why but Woojin then holds his hand as the two guys push them off. He watches as Woojin's face becomes of worry to fear to sickly to relief as he shouts his lungs out of himself as they hang on their feet in a 63 meter high bungee jumping.

 

Jihoon's hand is turning pale because he's holding his hand real tight but he guesses, _it's okay, as long as he feels he's not alone today._

 

Jihoon has seen different beautiful scenery from his various adventures, he flies through different scary rides, he takes various thrilling rides in all his life, but as they hang on their feet, he thinks seeing Woojin's innocent relieved face turns with a smile and laughter resounding in his ears is becoming his most favorite adventure so far.

 

Park Woojin blends in the color of nature: _green_ for right now he symbolizes growth and safety with Jihoon's hand clasp around his.

 

“Congrats, scaredy cat, you did it!” He shouts at him.

 

Woojin laughs in return, sounding music in his ears. The first genuine laughter and smile he's seen him since the moment they have stepped on the bungee jumping platform. He isn't regretting to take this jump with him. Not when the snaggletooth is peeking out from his cute. _It's actually really cute_ , he takes a mental note.

 

Gravity holds no responsibility for his own heart beating faster than it should be.

 

(But Park Woojin is a broken man inside.)

 

 

 

 

_Faster than the wind, passionate as sin_

 

He isn't exactly sure why he's here, of all places. He's not used to this kind of surrounding. Dimmed lights with different colors and blaring music are not his thing. Nature and adventures are his thing. So why he's inside this high-end club is beyond his imagination and he has his brother, Sungwoon, to be blamed.

 

In fact, his brother is dancing in the middle as if no one's watching.

 

“I didn't picture you as a guy who likes to hang out in places like this.” There's something about this voice which sounds oddly and eerily familiar. Jihoon turns to look at that person and sees Park Woojin sitting beside him.

 

He's wearing a white t-shirt and black leather jacket and his hair gelled showing his forehead. _Damn, he looks so attractive and ravishing at the moment._ There's something in his white t-shirt that gives him this innocence inside.

 

Jihoon shakes his head with a gentle smile on his face. “And how do you picture me then, Sir?” He turns to look at him, his hands under her chin as if he's challenging him.

 

Park Woojin bravely faces him, eyes glossy. “In my bed. And in white.” He says, putting his glass up for a cheer.

 

He puts a knowing face, drinking his own alcohol, eyes still on Woojin.

 

They can feel it --- what they usually call _chemistry._ It's strong and powerful and neither wants to resist this feeling. For Jihoon, it's new and vague and he has never felt this much urge to be close to another person --- another man, in particular. _Only Woojin. Just Woojin._

 

“It's not going to be hard to introduce you to each other, I guess?” Sungwoon's voice distracts them. He puts his hands on Woojin's shoulders. “This is my workmate, Park Woojin... and... this...” He has his arm on Jihoon's neck and he pretends to bite it off which earns a glare from Woojin. “this.... is my brother, Jihoon.”

 

Woojin's mouth turns to an “O” shape after Sungwoon's words and smiles really big. “That's... perfect. More than perfect.”

 

Sungwoon smirks and whispers, “That guy, please teach him how to live again.”

 

He looks at Sungwoon with a questioning look. He only shrugs and goes off, leaving him confused. He faces Woojin again and decides that maybe --- just maybe they can teach each other of things they have never explored before.

 

 _White,_ Jihoon decides that for tonight, Woojin looks majestic in white.

 

 

 

 

_Loving him is like trying to change your mind once you're already flying through the free fall_

 

“Unbelievable.” Woojin's breath is not stable as he lies on the peak of Bukhansan. “I can't believe you've made me go hiking! I should have stayed at home and played video games instead. Ha! That would be what I call fun.” He puffs his cheeks in disbelief.

 

Bukhansan's night view has been delighting at its most. The lights of the buildings are very attractive and the wind touching not just his physical body is healing. He closes his eyes and open his arms and spin around on his feet.

 

Woojin watches him in fascination and sits up. He looks majestic on his own, emitting his own sunshine in Woojin's lone darkness. And he needs this --- needs him --- needs to heal to be able to feel once more.

 

He stands up, him still spinning until he becomes dizzy and falls in his arms. He hasn't experienced this --- of being able to fall freely without worrying of burdening anyone or someone. Without pressuring him to do his best and to be the best.

 

“Who hurt you, Woojin?” He questions in vexation.

 

Woojin withdraws his arms and sits on the ground once more. “I don't know what you mean, Jihoon.”

 

Jihoon huffs at him and slumps beside him. “It's written all over your face.”

 

“What is?”

 

“Help me. I want to break free.”

 

His answer ceases anything that he has in mind for a clap back. Because it's true. He wants to somehow forget and to heal. And he wants to let Jihoon inside his world. He needs the optimism in his life.

 

“Have you ever been hurt so badly before?” He inquires, Jihoon shrugs his shoulders. “I think he has.” There's a sigh coming from him. “I think he has me broken.”

 

Jihoon faces him. “Aren't we all broken inside?”

 

Woojin's face looks at him befuddled. “What--”

 

“It's a matter of choice, you know, to let that crack be just a simple crack or let it be the biggest part of your life. Why let it the biggest hole of your life when some things or someone can fill up that crack?”

 

He sighs. “I don't think you know what happened to me. You don't understand.”

 

“Make me understand, then?” He asks softly.

 

Jihoon knows he's struggling inside and it's painfully obvious right now. If his head not buried in between his hands is already an indication, then what else? There's something _black_ clouding his presence and Jihoon does not like it --- does not like Woojin hurting but if he doesn't let go now, when will he ever let go?

 

“Three years.” Woojin heaves a deep sigh. “Three – it's been three years. Twenty-two was too young, I guess? But I asked him to marry me after the graduation. He agreed. But there was too much pressure --- I was too burden --- and fast.” He stops and meets his eyes. _They're glossy_ , Jihoon notes.

 

_It's like living inside the solar system with stars around you._

 

“I wanted to stop.” Woojin admits. “And then he left me.”

 

There's a painful silence, only the murmurs of the crickets can be heard.

 

Jihoon smiles at him and stands up, offering his hand at him. Woojin looks disbelieving at him.

 

“What.” He deadpans.

 

He pulls him up then they sway and sway and sway.

 

Left. Right. Left. Right. Forward. Backward. Left. Right.

 

There's a nonstop music in their ears that nobody else can hear. It's like a private song meant for them. Maybe it's the beautiful silence of the world or the loud swaying of the trees dancing with them or perhaps the soundless sound of the city lights twinkling for them but having his hands on his --- seeing him smile and his eyes light up like the first lighting of a Christmas tree, maybe he wants to believe, too.

 

“Fall in love.” Jihoon whispers.

 

“With you?”

 

“With the new beginnings. With hope.” He winks at him.

 

It's like falling in a cliff head first.

 

“Go and get a room.” Another hiker shouts at them.

 

Woojin rolls his eyes and shakes his head. “Maybe.” He whispers back, clipping his chin in between his fingers. “Falling... yes.”

 

The both of them is covered with silence. It's comfortable.

 

Until Woojin breaks it. “Please?”

 

(And they did --- falling for each other.

 

_So, date me?_

 

_What?!_

 

_From all the previous taunts you've had, Sir, it seems like between the two of us, you're the real scaredy one._

 

_I'm not!!!!_

 

_Then date me?_

 

_No waaaaaaay!!!_

 

_Wow, I didn't know ---_

 

_Shut the fuck up, Park Woojin!_

 

But they started dating when Park Jihoon swooped in to kiss him.)

 

 

 

_Touching him was like realizing all you ever wanted was right there in front of you_

 

“Come on!” Woojin whines, pulling him out of his car but Jihoon has a firm hold on his seat. “It's going to be fuuuuun!” The child in him is kicking.

 

Jihoon sighs. It's been two years since they have started dating and slowly, he's seeing the whole broken facade of Park Woojin. Contrary to their first meeting, Woojin is like a child. At heart. The whole mysterious Park Woojin is gone in an instant.

 

 _Orange._ Park Woojin emits the orange color in him --- it's something fresh and youthful compared to his previous black one. And Jihoon likes it very much. He likes how Woojin's eyes light up not with fake happiness but of true ones.

 

But he's not sure why and how Woojin drags him here --- sitting on the right side of this rail bike. Sure, he's like nature and such but pedaling on Gapyeong rail bike in a cold and windy day? He must be dreaming.

 

Jihoon cannot help but sigh once more.

 

“Stop that!” Woojin says and smiles foolishly at him. Jihoon needs to hold his heart down cause he thinks one of these days, he's going to get a mini heart attack from him.

 

“Be thankful you're cute.” He mumbles under his breath, only for him to hear.

 

Of course, Woojin has a good listening skill. “I heard that!”

 

“Just pedal!” Jihoon complains.

 

Woojin cannot keep his butt on his seat as he continues teasing him. “So I'm cute?”

 

Jihoon wants to take it back! He likes a black Woojin better!!!!

 

“No, you're not!” He contradicts.

 

And cue Woojin's cute laughter with “hiyah” and Jihoon heart is melting even more. There's something about this long and loud distinct laughter that makes him more appealing. Jihoon wants to keep Woojin inside his pocket and it's not like he could but he would, had given a chance.

 

Jihoon crosses his hands and looks away when suddenly the rail bike stops in the middle of a tree where leaves are falling then Woojin swiftly stretches his hands and turns him around and Jihoon is not ready when his lips are on his forehead and then on his left cheek then on right. Slowly, Woojin meets his gaze lovingly and wordlessly, his lips has found his.

 

It's excruciatingly slow and painful at the same time it feels like it's still the first time. Sweet and pure and soft. His lips are soft on his.

 

“I --- I'm in love with you.” Woojin admits.

 

He flushes and tries hiding his smile with his hands. “I think I am, as well.”

 

“Please?” The way he says it is soft yet unsure, lips jutting out.

 

He taps his cute button nose with his index finger, answering. “Please.”

 

“MOVE ALONG!!!!” Another biker yells at them.

 

Both of them smile and hurries themselves before they get their heads bitten off.

 

Sneakily, Woojin clasps his hands on his --- tightly, fingers intertwine like missing pieces of puzzle solved together and Jihoon cannot help but let the butterflies inside his stomach fly freely the way they flutter when he's flying in extremities.

 

Woojin, he realizes, is all that he needs to make him feel alive.

 

 

 

 

_Like the colors in autumn, so bright just before they lose it all_

 

 

 

“Who is he?”

 

There's something icy in her voice which makes Jihoon almost jump on his current seat and makes him almost wanting the Earth to swallow him whole. He avoids the glare Woojin's Mom is giving him and he can't help but feel intimated.

 

Yet here Woojin is and he's squeezing his hand. “Ma, this is Park Woojin, my boyfriend.”

 

“Boyfriend?” His Mom hisses. “Since when?”

 

“It's been a year, Ma. And stop it.” Woojin answers stubbornly and firmly.

 

“What do you do?” Mrs. Park inquires.

 

“I--” He's about to answer when Woojin cuts him off. “Stop that, Ma!”

 

“But --- how about Yoseob?”

 

“Ma!” Woojin yells and Jihoon thinks this is a different Woojin. He's never been this riled up. He angrily pulls Jihoon away from his parents and into his car and he heaves a heavy sigh once inside.

 

And it's frustrating that Woojin is silent at times like this.

 

With a huff, Jihoon leaves the passenger seat and opens the driver seat.

 

“Let's switch. I'll drive. Please?” He says understandingly. He pushes him gently and when they're both settled, he looks at him. “Are you ready?”

 

“Where?” His voice is low.

 

Yet he never answers.

 

 

 

 

“Ma! Pa! Hello!” His voice is cheery, he needs it for the two of them.

 

Park Woojin is still silent but his eyes are taking in the surroundings. It's a sea, the waves are greeting him back. Woojin stands still on his place and looks confused, stunned even more. He reaches for his hand which is shaking wildly here and there.

 

“Oh, there they are!” He says, pointing at nothingness in the sky.

 

Woojin looks at where he's pointing at. “Huh--”

 

“My Ma and Pa are dead.” Jihoon informs with a smile. “It's been four years since they died. Car accident.”

 

“I'm sorry.”

 

“Why? Did you kill them?” He jokes.

 

He shakes his head, nervously stretching his face into a smile. “Just...”

 

He laughs at him and punches his arm. “It was a joke, Woojin, loosen up.” The guy beside him exhales loudly. “But, I'm sure if they're here, they would be happy to know you.”

 

He eyes the sky then envelops him in his embrace. “I would be glad too. They have an amazing kid.”

 

Jihoon puffs his chest proudly. “I am.”

 

“I mean, Sungwoon hyung.” He exclaims.

 

He lightly pinches him on his arms which earns a snort. “Mean Woojin.”

 

There's laughter between the two of them. Woojin embracing him tightly.

 

“I'm still sorry, you know.” Woojin whispers on his ear.

 

_For everything. For my Ma._

 

 _Woojin_ lightly taps him on his arms, reassuring him. “You don't have to be.”

 

_Because I love you and that's all that matters, Woojin._

 

 

 

 

_Fighting with him was like trying to solve a crossword and realizing there's no right answer_

 

Park Woojin's birthday party is one grand celebration.

 

It's in Shilla Hotel, one of the most famous hotels in Korea and admittedly, Jihoon has never set his foot in any hotel such as extravagant as this. He checks himself in the mirror one last time --- he's wearing his black double breasted jacket, his brown hair in a styled perfectly, showing his forehead. He's going to be okay. _Everything's going to be okay_ , he hypnotizes himself and exhales loudly.

 

Sungwoon passes him by and squeezes his shoulders with a gentle smile.

 

It's not like they're getting married, it's just that --- Woojin wants their relationship to be official and public. It's been four years, anyway. _(Wow, time sure flew by really fast --- I can still picture his scared face during the bungee jumping.)_

 

His brother leads them to the hall and he sees the high ceiling decorated in classic white and different people with different nationalities loitering around the area. And this is Park Woojin's world. And if he's sticking with him, he needs to be ready for things like this and not get panic attack.

 

“I can't believe you.” Sungwoon's voice is really low. “You've got enough courage to jump on very high cliffs but you're just a little boy here right now.”

 

Jihoon glares at his brother. “This is different!”

 

“Jihoonie!” They hear Woojin's voice and he kisses his which earns a huff from his brother and gasps from other people. “You look --- wow --- just ---”

 

Evil Sungwoon completes Woojin's speechlessness. “Different.”

 

“Outstandingly wonderfully different.” Woojin corrects, winding his limb around his waist.

 

Jihoon, the ever matured that he is, sticks his tongue out at his brother in return.

 

“There's the birthday boy!” A deep voice interrupts their little banter and they see Woojin's parents coming to them.

 

One more figure is behind them. Jihoon does not need to ask Woojin who he is. There is an obvious answer already. Especially the way Mrs. Park is dragging the said man whose eyes are on the ground.

 

When he looks up, though, he notices how pretty he is.

 

His big and wide doe eyes are hazel brown, his hair is a wavy style of brown There's something chic in his aura and Jihoon feels a little unsure about himself. Jihoon\s eyes waver and he can't help but look down as they arrive in front of them.

 

“Happy Birthday, my son.” His Dad greets him, patting his back and nodding at his direction after. Mrs. Park wraps his arms around Woojin and kisses him on his forehead which in return gets a little giggle from the other man.

 

Mrs. Park, obviously, shoves the man she's dragging to Woojin and with a teasing smile, she says. “Look who wants to greet my boy.”

 

Woojin stiffens and his arm on his waist suddenly fails. He watches as Woojin suddenly limps beside him and the usual pretty eyes of him are now clouded with what he can describe confusion and sadness.

 

The solar system in his eyes is clouded with darkness.

 

Hyeongseob, he knows his name, gives a timid smile at him. “Happy Birthday.”

 

And _ohmygod_ , his voice sounds sweet even for him.

 

Right there and then, Jihoon knows that Woojin is slipping away from him.

 

Before anyone can even answer, Park Woojin is already walking away.

 

 

 

 

Biting down his lips and with a sigh, Park Jihoon knocks on Woojin's door --- slow, hesitant, and unsure. It's been three days since the party and not once has he shown himself to him. Not even a call or a message.

 

It's so unfair that he's closing down the wall he once tried to knock down.

 

Jihoon jumps as the door opens and sees a disheveled Woojin in his pyjamas. He groans at his sight and walks to plop on his bed. He walks and sits himself on the floor, only looking at Woojin who has hidden his face with a pillow.

 

There's a lump in his throat yet he wants to speak --- he wants to hear him speak and laugh again. He wants to hug him and he misses him but Woojin isn't letting him right now.

 

The other moves to touch him but Woojin suddenly sits up and there he notices how his eyes are swollen and how black his eye bags are. He frowns seeing him.

 

“Why ---”

 

“What are you doing here?” Woojin snaps.

 

He's taken aback by how sharp his tone is. “I---”

 

“You don't have to be here.” He dismissively says, walking to his bathroom to wash his face.

 

This renders Jihoon speechless. He opens his mouth to retort but there are no words. There are no words to utter or say. Not even one.

 

Woojin comes back, dabbing his face with a towel. His words are muffled. “You can just go and leave me the fuck alone.”

 

Jihoon abruptly stands up. “What are you saying, Woojin?”

 

“I don't need it!” He throws his towel away.

 

 

He exhales loudly, clenching his fists from frustration. “You don't need what? Me? Why, because your pretty Hyeongseob is back so who is Park Jihoon again?”

 

He looks away. “This is not about you! Don't make it about you.”

 

Ruffling his hair in frustration, Jihoon says. “I'm not! I'm only concerned about you. Woojin, it's been three days since you holed yourself here in your miserable room. If you so love him, then man up and break up with me.”

 

Even he looks confused with his words but there's no time to dwell as Woojin freezes on his place. “He's dead.”

 

“What?” He exclaims too loud.

 

Park Woojin is not meeting his eyes anymore. “Please just leave me alone. I'll take care of my own business. I don't need you! I don't need anyone.”

 

“Wooj--- I want to understand you.”

 

“There's nothing to understand about me!”

 

“Come on ----”

 

A little bit louder than he may have intended to, he yells. “Go away!”

 

He should have known what he's getting into the day he meddled with him on his first bungee jump experience. He should have known that he's neither green nor orange nor any color in the world he can ever think of.

 

Park Woojin has always been _blue._

 

 

 

 

 

_My Jihoonie : [18:29]_

_I'm so sorry, Jihoonie._

_[not sent]_

 

 

 

 

_Losing him was blue like I'd never known_

 

 

Jihoon downs another soju glass and winces at the bitter aftertaste. He closes his eyes and think of good positive things, instead. It's hard, though, because Woojin's words are still ringing at the back of his mind.

 

To know that the only man you've loved (will love) does not trust you in the lowest part of his life is taking a toll in him. It's understandable that perhaps seeing your “ex” might still hurt and he wants to be as sympathetic as possible but ---

 

“Hold a sec.” Jinyoung, his best friend pushes the soju glass from his hand. “What do you mean you've met Woojin's boyfriend?”

 

He raises a brow at him. “I said --”

 

“Duh, I heard what you said.” His best friend sarcastically tells him. So unbecoming of him, but he guesses Daehwi is seriously rubbing off on his bestfriend. “But what do you mean you've met him? That is not possible.”

 

This got his attention.

 

“Obviously his Mom wants Hyeongseob to be with Woojin ---”

 

“Ahn Hyeongseob is Yoseob's brother.”

 

“So?”

 

Jinyoung suddenly slaps him on his arm. “Yoseob was Woojin's boy friend or--- ex. And you can't meet him because Yoseob has been dead for four years already.”

 

The glass near his elbow clunks loudly on the floor.

 

“But---”

 

“Jihoon,” He inhales and exhales loudly. “Hyeongseob is Yoseob's identical twin brother.”

 

Park Jihoon has never felt this shock in his entire human being.

 

 

 

 

“You didn't tell me.” Jihoon accuses once Woojin opens his door for him.

 

Gone is the Woojin with pretty eyes and pretty cute smile

 

Woojin only sighs in return and turns his back to him.

 

But Jihoon is not going to have that now. He violently turns him around with his arms. “Talk to me, Woojin! I'm asking for explanation!”

 

“I don't have it.”

 

He gapes at him. “So Hyeongseob is Yoseob's brother.”

 

Park Woojin jumps by the sound of his name and only nods.

 

“Come on, Wooj--”

 

“I told you,” He exhales at this part. “--- there's nothing you can do. NOTHING!” Then, he's walking away again.

 

As stubborn as he is, Jihoon pursues and turns him once more. He tries to break free but Jihoon's restraining him. “No, you can't turn away from me this time. Yoseob is dead, Woojin. What do you want from yourself?”

 

“I know he's dead.”

 

“Why are you acting as if he was still here?”

 

Pin drop silence.

 

Jihoon prods harder. “Is it because of Hyeongseob? Your Mom??”

 

Deadly quietness.

 

The tears fall from his eyes and he sees the panic in Woojin's eyes. Maybe the panic is not enough, though, for him.

 

“Stop acting like you know what I'm feeling.” Woojin utters. “Stop acting as if --- you can heal me. I'm broken, Jihoon. And not just broken... I--- you cannot repair me so please stop as if you can.”

 

Woojin's words echo inside his ears.

 

“Help me, I want to break free.” Jihoon quotes. Woojin winces by the sentence he has uttered once before. “You told me that. Do you even remember? I told you, it's a choice ---”

 

“And it's my choice to dwell in the past.” He cuts him off. “It's my choice to remember him again. It's not like I have a choice when Hyeongseob is there --- when your own Mom keeps reminding you about him. She, who should be the one to understand the most --- to help me --- keeps pinning me on someone who has the exact face of my ex. Tell me, Jihoon. Tell me what to do.”

 

“I'm not enough.” He mumbles more to himself with his revelation.

 

“Jihoon, please, stop making it about yourself.”

 

“All these years, Woojin, you've made it about Yoseob.”

 

“You're not Yoseob.” He reminds him, which is appreciated because Jihoon knows that. He can feel that. He's never going to be just enough for Woojin. And that's a reality check.

 

The man brushes off his tears and slowly nods. “I'm not Yoseob. I'm Jihoon. And you're stuck, Woojin.”

 

“So please leave me alone. Not right now.”

 

“Then when?” He asks. “Because I think four years would be enough. I didn't even know I was competing with a dead man. Kind of hurts, you know?”

 

“There is no competition.” Woojin differs.

 

“Oh --- yeah.” He realizes unexpectedly. A bitter laugh comes out of him. “Kinda sucks that it all goes down to this. Believe you me when I tell you, I think I would have liked to spend at least this lifetime with you. Well, because I'm here and you too. But I guess, even in this lifetime, I still will never win.”

 

Woojin is still silent, his head down.

 

“And yeah, I guess this was never a competition to begin with. Not when you will never let me win. Not when the prize already chose the winner.”

 

He sniffs then smiles oh-so-painfully. This is how it feels like when the bungee jumping cord suddenly breaks and you're falling head first. Just close your eyes then taste the moment of falling without anyone willing to catch you.

 

Jihoon falls harder than he expected himself to. It's a first, though, that he's this afraid of falling.

 

_I would have fought for you, Woojin, if you'd let me to._

 

 

 

 

 

 

_Remembering him comes in flashbacks and echoes_

 

 

 

Jihoon almost jumps on his safety harness when he hears a loud shrill from another guy who's also taking the same zip line he is in. He smiles at the sound of his laughter because it definitely sounds like the same as Woojin when they took the zip line going to Nami Island and shook his world.

 

_It was a sight._

 

He tightens his hands around the small camera on his hand, sighing,. “Woojin-ah.” He calls quite softly.

 

 

_“Oh my god, Jihoon!” Woojin shrieked as soon as they crossed the 940M river, desperately taking off the harness from his body. His hair was a mess and he was having a mini heart attack from the adrenaline. He still was not used with his antics._

 

_He thought he was cute. “Admit it was fun.”_

 

_Woojin rolled his eyes,his whole body sagged on his. “Fun? We could have just taken a boat to Nami instead of this---” His eyes went back to the harness they were just on a few minutes ago then shivered. “oh my god, I can't believe you made me do this again.”_

 

_“My poor, Woojine.” He cooed, patting his hair like a baby. “You know what I think, baby?”_

 

_“I don't care about what you think.” He playfully said._

 

_Cue the laughter from a very matured Jihoon. “You're not really afraid of them --- the crazy antics I like so much – I think you just haven't experienced them. I think I exist for you to enjoy them --- to love them.”_

 

_“No, you're not!” He snaked his arm on his. He then leaned in to his ear, sending shiver. “But I guess, I kind of enjoyed this adrenaline rushing through my veins because you're with me.”_

 

_Jihoon couldn't help but flush by his words. “Then I will always take you with me.”_

 

_Woojin pouted at him with a smile on his handsome face. “Please?”_

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Woojin.” He repeats once more, camera still on his hands. His eyes wander around the green mountains of Geumsan, inhaling the fresh air as the man continues shrilling just near him. With a smile, he says. “I --- I'm not going to give up on you, Woojin.”

 

He turns the camera around, still speaking. “I'll make you see the things you haven't seen. I'll make you like the things you have never experienced before. Look at the things you're missing ---” He then turns the camera to him.

 

 

“I'm never giving up, Woojin, so don't as well.” He says softly. “Please?”

 

Park Jihoon believes the “Please?” has become their silent plea and silent “I love you”. He thinks of this as a sign of their forever and maybe he would hold on to that until Woojin does say “Please?” again and again and again.

 

 

_But moving on from him is impossible_

 

 

The knocks this time are soft and unsure compared to the previous time he went to his apartment. He's hesitant a bit (or maybe more) but since he likes taking extremities, he'd take it this time. At least, with Woojin involved.

 

“Woojin! If you think you can easily throw me away ---” He clears his throat. “then think again! Open the door.” He adds, “Please?”

 

Then the door opens.

 

It surprises him to no end to see Woojin under his thick white comforter, nose as red as his face and eyes. There's no strength as he tries smiling at him. Has it been a month since they last saw each other screaming lungs out and trying to end what they have together?

 

Woojin swallows some lump inside his throat, wincing. “I didn't expect you.” His voice is somehow thick and a little bit painful to hear. He guides him inside and he sees how messy the apartment has become.

 

He jumps on the couch and he slides himself in another couch. “You--- you must have been surprised to see me today.”

 

There's a small smile he has missed on his face. “A please-” coughs “-sant surprise.” Coughs coughs again. “I missed—” another cough. “---you.”

 

Uncomfortable and bothered by his coughing, he stands up and feels Woojin. “Ugh, you're running a fever. Why didn't you tell me?” There's panic in his voice now. “You stupid and stubborn ass!”

 

He's about to turn away to prepare something for him when he circles his hands around his wrist. His voice is muffled by the comforter around him. “Stay.” He pleads.

 

“I'm going to just ---”

 

“Please?”

 

That one sentence makes him jump happy for no reason as he sits in front of him, taking his already flushed face with his tiny trembling hands. “I want you to feel better soon so---”

 

He cuts him off, though. “I'm sorry. You've been just --- wonderful.” A cough. “And I--- I'm a jerk.”

 

Jihoon brushes his fingers on his face gently, noting the stubble on his face. “That, you are. But I think you need to feel better first before we talk it out, alright?”

 

Woojin nods at him like a kid.

 

“Then let me get you your med and soup.”

 

A stubborn shake of his head.

 

“Be a big boy and help me out, Woojin.”

 

His wrist is free. “Thanks, Mom.” That's Woojin.

 

It's really impossible to give up on him, he realizes. And perhaps, he isn't ready to give up on him ever.

 

 

 

_Memorizing him was as easy as knowing all the words to your old favorite song_

 

 

Dimmed lights and under Woojin's comfortable comforter isn't what Jihoon was really expecting himself to be in when he decided to take care of Woojin the previous day. To have himself close --- impossibly close to Woojin --- and hold each inch of his body isn't the reality of what he expected himself to do.

 

But then he drowns into his pretty eyes and decides that it's okay to surrender himself to him. It's impossible to say NO to him, not when his pretty eyes just light up. He allows himself to be one with him.

 

Heaving a sigh, he asks. “Please?” This time, it's unsure and wants a permission.

 

Park Jihoon nods. “I'd trust my life with you.”

 

Woojin smiles widely. “Thank you.”

 

And it feels like memorizing each part that the both of them have never known.

 

 

 

It feel right to have his head on his naked chest, drawing circles as he twists his hair with his fingers, comfortable silence hanging between them. He can feel the heave of his chest going up and down --- the beat at first is ragged until it calms down.

 

It's soothing to have him close again like this.

 

Woojin is the first to beat the silence. It's becoming his habit. “I want to apologize again, Jihoonie.”

 

“Shhh.” He silences him. “No need for apologies, Woojinie.”

 

“But I said words ---”

 

“I don't want to hear apologies. I think you know what I want to hear.”

 

Perhaps, Woojin is not ready yet as he takes one deep breath again.

 

“I mean, when you are ready, Woojin.”

 

“Guess you were right. When will I ever be ready, Jihoon? But I think it's time.” Another deep breath. “It was not as cliché as you can expect but after graduation, I asked him to marry me and he said yes. We were childhood friends turned to lovers then fiances so like it felt it was nothing. But --- I am a Park. You've seen my parents.”

 

“They are scary.” He sums up.

 

Woojin's laughter echoes in his room. “That, and I was too pressured. One night, we fought. It was really childish and he stormed out of his house angrily and died of a car accident.”

 

“Where did he die?”

 

“In Busan. I was not honestly sure how he got there.”

 

“When did he die?”

 

Woojin's brows knit together as he becomes curious. “December 3, 2012.”

 

_Oh._

 

“Why?” He asks as he tightens his hand on his chest.

 

“Same anniversary as my parents. In Busan, too.”

 

The silence has never been this loud. Come to think of it, if that happened then it's all in the past and there's nothing they can ever do to rewind it anymore. Also, it feels like he's seen Hyeongseob before but his memory is vague and he doesn't want to dwell with the past anymore. He can feel Woojin starting to get the same thought as his and it feels like he's going to build more walls by the revelation. And he doesn't want that. He wants Woojin to open up instead.

 

“Woojin, can you continue?”

 

“But---”

 

“Please?”

 

He buries his face on his hair, the sound comes muffled. “When he died, I berated myself again and again. I think everyone is set to blame me on his death. I do, too. I feel like if it weren't for the fight, he's still alive. With me.”

 

Then he continues, “Mom is also set to marry me with Hyeongseob, his twin brother, but I don't want to. Do you know why?”

 

Jihoon halfheartedly hums as a reply.

 

“Because,” He lifts ihis head. “I have you. I'm sorry I was such a jerk and I should have been more honest with you. During our first fight, I wanted to hold to you but the words I said were brutal. I didn't want to hurt you more.”

 

“Did you think I would give up on you?”

 

“You should have.”

 

He smiles at him and pecks him on his lips. “Even if I want to, I can't.”

 

“Thank you, Jihoon.” He hugs him tighter. “And Ji?” He whistles. There's a little rustle coming from Woojin as he sits up to open his side table cabinet and takes out a red box as he comfortably lies back down on the bed. His heart beat is becoming abnormal.

 

“Jihoon,” He calls once more. And he is never getting tired of hearing Woojin calling his name. Ever. “This is kind of over due, you know? And it might be fast and unexpected, but I want to spend this lifetime with you.” He opens the box with his one hand.

 

Jihoon can't help the tears falling from his eyes. “I---”

 

“It's okay, though.” He says hurriedly. “I'd understand if it's too fast...”

 

He sits up, facing him with a frown. “I hate you.”

 

Woojin sits up, too, a little baffled.

 

Then he's breaking with a big smile on his face because at least, in this lifetime, Woojin wants to spend it with nobody else now but him. “But yes! Of course. Oh my god, you scumbag!”

 

The smile painting on Woojin's face is really precious. He purses his lips as he puts the silver ring on his finger and thinks that in this lifetime, he's _never going to let go no matter what happens or who happens in their lives._

 

(The next day, though, both of them got sick.)

 

 

 

_Tell myself it's time now, gotta let go_

 

 

Woojin stands in front of the grave, hands neatly tuck inside his pockets. Eyes solely train on the name.

 

 

_Ahn Yoseob_

 

 

He watches as Woojin closes his eyes as tears fall from them. He knows this still hurts for him. He's come to terms that he's going to move on with his phase, not matter how slow burn it's going to be and he's going to be okay. They need not to hurry. They have a lifetime waiting for them.

 

“Yoseob,” There's the loving deep voice of his that makes it hard for him to breathe each time he hears it. He faces him and with a soft smile on his face, he offers one hand to him. He takes it as Woojin tugs him next to him. “This is Jihoon. He's pretty, right?”

 

Jihoon blushes like a school girl in love.

 

“We're getting married.” He informs Yoseob and Jihoon widens his eyes at him in worry but he's only looking at Yoseob's name with such determination he's never seen him before. “And I want to be happy because I know wherever you are, you're happy.”

 

Jihoon tries tugging his hand off but Woojin isn't letting him.

 

“You'll be happy for your best friend, right?”

 

“I'm sure he'll be.” Another voice answers and they turn around to see Hyeongseob with flowers on his hands. He quietly puts it on his brother's grave. “Wherever Yoseob is, I'm only sure that he only wants the best for you.”

 

“Hyeongseob... I---” Woojin's trying to say but there are no words fitting for it.

 

Hyeongseob only smiles in return. “I'm sorry, Woojin and--” He eyes turn to him softly. “Jihoon-ssi, right?”

 

He nods in exchange.

 

“I'm sorry.” Jihoon says quietly. “I've seen you in Busan. I think we both know what happened then. Four years ago, you know what I'm saying?” He laughs at himself. “It was my bother's fault that it happened so I just want to apologize again and again.”

 

The other guy shakes his head fervently. “No, please don't.”

 

Ahn Hyeongseob offers hid hand to him. “I think we got in a wrong foot. Hello, my name is Ahn Hyeongseob. It's nice to finally meet Woojin's fiance.”

 

He turns to Woojin who nods at him. He takes his hand and shakes it, too. “I'm Park Jihoon. It's a pleasure meeting someone pretty like you, too.”

 

Then the three of them are laughing for his awkwardness.

 

Woojin squeezes the hand he's holding with him. And he thinks that's enough. As long as they are all happy. And he knows, even in his phase, he is slowly letting go. That's enough for him.

 

 

 

_And that's why he's spinnin' 'round in my head_

 

It's a quarter to three when the doors of the Holy Name Cathedral opens.

 

Jihoon's head lifts up, fists clenching the small Stephanotis bouquet of flowers on his hands and with a shaking heart, he enters the Cathedral. He hears the wedding march flowing smoothly in everyone's ears. He sees everyone's faces sigh in awe as he walks painfully slowly in the Cathedral.

 

Everything is in his favorite velvet and white colors mixed elegantly. The women are mostly wearing their velvet wine dresses and the men are wearing the Velvet Wine red tuxedo. Everything is ready and _this is it, Jihoon. This is it._

 

At the altar, there he stands in his Maroon wine burgundy three piece suit. Dashingly breathtaking as he smiles and waits for him at the end of the altar. He takes a deep breath. He's always taking his breath away just like the first time they met each other, _nothing has changed._

He is still the Park Woojin he's learned to love.

 

_Or is it?_

 

He halts on his place and stares at the man he's loved for the past five years. Is he still the same man he's loved all this time? Are they still the same person all through these years?

 

Woojin's face turns into a worry that moment he stops on his place and everyone's faces are encouraging to _go ahead, Jihoon, walk to him. You can do it, you can do this. You'll be both happy with each other._

 

“What are you doing, Hoon?” His brother who is walking him to the altar whispers.

 

His right hand, which was seconds ago is on his brother's, suddenly is not around him anymore. He looks straightly into Woojin's awaiting confused eyes and closes them with a deep sigh.

 

There are murmurs of _what's happening, what is he doing?_ around him --- them.

 

The tears slip from his eyes and when he opens them, he knows that Woojin's begging face will haunt him for the rest of his life. It's twisted with pain and confusion and betrayal and Jihoon cannot take it anymore.

 

It feels like there's a gun pressed on his forehead, ready to blow his mind out.

 

_I'm so sorry._

_I'm sorry, Woojin, and I will always love you._

 

With a determined sigh, he opens his eyes and is greeted by worried faces once more. He turns to his brother and taps it gently. Sungwoon smiles again and offers his arm once more where he sneaks his other arm on. Then, they start marching down the aisle once more.

 

_Here goes to this lifetime, Jihoon._

 

As soon as they reach Woojin, Sungwoon pats his soon-to-be brother-in-law and whispers (which he thinks he is but is actually loud). “Don't hurt my brother. You're gonna regret it.”

 

Woojin laughs awkwardly and kisses his forehead as answer instead.

 

He hooks his arm to his and marches till they reach the altar.

 

And right there and then, they're going to move on.

 

 

 

 

_Woojin-ah,_

 

_Maybe happy ending does not just include a happy relationship for now._

_Maybe, it's you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over,_

_freeing yourself up for something better in the future._

_Maybe, our happy ending is moving on._

_I'm happy because you're letting me be with you in this journey._

_As long as I'm with you, we're moving forward._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

_His love was like driving a new Maserati down a dead-end street_

 

 

“I can't believe you've talked me with this again.”

 

The fright in his voice is evident and Jihoon, as evil as he can, only laughs in return. He opens his eyes once more to look down and when he realizes it's too high for his liking, he closes them once more only to freak out harder.

 

“Jihoonie, I don't want to do this.” He protests like a baby.

 

Jihoon shrugs at the men looking at them like an entertainment.

 

They're going to do a tandem leap of faith wherein it's like a bungee jumping but the catch it the harness will be on their ankles so they can dangle in the air backwards. This is the most exciting part for him, to dangle in the air backwards which he has never tried before.

 

He pats his husband's hair, cooing. “Baby, be brave. Trust me.”

 

“But---”

 

“Please?” He pleads in return.

 

Weak Woojin can not resist his husband, as always.

 

Park Jihoon squeezes his hand in assurance and nods at the men in front of them.

 

_One_

 

_Two_

 

_Three_

 

And then they are flying and it feels so surreal and refreshing because they are together in this. For this lifetime, and maybe next lifetime, they'll be together.

 

It's all that matters, for him.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> you can scream at me on twitter @whoojined  
> you can say sTOP writing!!!!!! and i'll make sure to follow you back wink wonk


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